2:57am Monday

I do not deny it, I am shit scared.

Scared of the familiar loneliness, scared of standing on my own feet.  Scared of going back to my irregular lifestyle, scared of the responsibility of taking care of myself.

I am scared of the dark shadow of the tornado ahead, even more scared that when  it comes and swallows me right up, you will be too far to save me.  

It will come and engulf me in.  I will be swamped but come out whole.

Old dog just cannot learn new tricks

We make ourselves believe that we set goals and work ourselves towards making us a better, wiser being, but of course that is just our foolish self talking.

Or rather, my foolish self talking.

My apple Mail is slowly updating itself (still 3254 mails to go!), and this has given me a chance to refresh my good old university memories. (Old...definitely, many - a lot of- events I have forgotten completely; Good...not so much, it feels more like peeling old healed scabs actually.)

Here's an excerpt of a mail from an ex-suitor: 

"On the other hand (and please do not be offended by this ...), I must say that you can be cold and fearsome at times, which is another reason why I was scared of ringing you. I know I talk too much, but by the same token, you talk too little, which is why I have to talk so much and sometimes even repeat old materials so we don't get stuck in an awkward atmosphere.  ... And please...reply your SMS Messages..."

4 years, 2 degrees and many worn out high heels later, I am still "cold", "talking too little" and not replying my SMSs

Conversation With Charles

大哥大哥，問你哦：如果你車上載著人，而場面冷掉的話，你會怎麼辦？

"那要看是我討厭的人還是我喜歡的人啊。"

假使是討厭的人呢？

＂那就繼續給他冷下去啊。＂

喜歡的人勒？

＂男的女的？＂

男的。

＂同性哦？就問他興趣啊、私人方面的事情吧。＂

如果是女的呢？

＂女的？！那還用說。　我會講： Me, man. You, woman. Ho-te-ru???"

ㄟ....那如果是你不討厭也不喜歡的人怎麼辦？

＂那就跟他說一個北極熊在北極拔毛的故事囉...."

%$#%@#

I am adjusting to something new.

Ok, not exactly 'new'. I should say, I am re-adjusting to the siutation. The siutation is, I need to learn to deal with PMS on my own.

With nobody to whine to, to yell at, to play my puppy face to, to ask for hot chocolate or maccas or pancakes etc from, PMS is all of a sudden a great torture. Too great for me to handle.

Yet, I know I can do it. After all, I did it when I was much younger, didn't I?

Daily

我每天會開一段94.3km的路程。

「行千里路，勝讀萬卷書」不是沒有道理的。　　在這半年中，　我在路途上的所見所聞，　我相信在社區圖書館中的任何一本書裡都找不著。　　（是的，社區圖書館真的不大...)

像紅綠燈拒絕亮燈這回事，其實是見怪不怪的（It is not necessarily a bad thing, depending on the direction my car is heading). 倒是一展交通燈上面紅燈綠燈同時亮，才讓我佩服。　　佩服的是車水馬龍的十字路口沒有一部車顯露出分毫的猶疑：油門踩的穩穩的，距離方向拿捏的準準的搶腳踏車寬的空隙...好個臨危不亂！

在高速公路上更是令人眼界大開。　　從路肩上有阿伯騎著摩托車緩緩的逆向行駛，　到內線道上的完整狗屍，　到隔壁線道超我車的發財車駕駛位窗口悠悠閑閑晃出來的一隻赤裸腳ㄚ。　個人印象最深刻的是某早晨眼睜睜的看到一個半人大小的布娃娃（有臉有頭髮還穿著衣服的那一種）從前面車窗掉落出來...好險那時嘴巴是閉著的，才沒讓心臟的跳出體外。

每天這樣的路上，當然不是全然緊張刺激的，優美浪漫的夜景也是很重要的一項。就像每一篇被讀爛的小說，　經歷了一番努力、成長及冒險，總是有個優美溫馨的ending...我的夜景剛好也扮演著這樣的角色。　（有否＂努力、成長及冒險＂是另一回事）　從高高的橋上看到市區的閃亮繁華，再順著交流道緩緩駛入，這時的心情總是特別輕鬆。　　我想，　當聖誕老公公駕馭著他的麋鹿大隊，　從天空降到靜寂的屋頂上，　也是這樣的心情吧！　　　　

He knows

「一個快三十歲的人，深夜裡枕邊可以沒有人抱著睡，但床邊不可以沒有一罐殺蟲劑。」
-- 張維中

www.blogger.com

What is the one sure sign to tell me I really have been neglecting this space?

When I can no longer remember the blogger.com url to login into.

No topic

People seem to think that I have forgotten my blog. Just to set the facts straight, I have not. In fact, I come here more often than you think, to make sure that the links are not disabled because nobody ever visits my blog anymore, and also to wait for the day my blog finally give up on me updating it, and decids to update itself. (Well, it is all about automation these days, isn't it?)

The day has not come yet. Stupid slow learning blog.