2:57am Monday

I do not deny it, I am shit scared.

Scared of the familiar loneliness, scared of standing on my own feet.  Scared of going back to my irregular lifestyle, scared of the responsibility of taking care of myself.

I am scared of the dark shadow of the tornado ahead, even more scared that when  it comes and swallows me right up, you will be too far to save me.  

It will come and engulf me in.  I will be swamped but come out whole.

Old dog just cannot learn new tricks

We make ourselves believe that we set goals and work ourselves towards making us a better, wiser being, but of course that is just our foolish self talking.

Or rather, my foolish self talking.

My apple Mail is slowly updating itself (still 3254 mails to go!), and this has given me a chance to refresh my good old university memories. (Old...definitely, many - a lot of- events I have forgotten completely; Good...not so much, it feels more like peeling old healed scabs actually.)

Here's an excerpt of a mail from an ex-suitor: 

"On the other hand (and please do not be offended by this ...), I must say that you can be cold and fearsome at times, which is another reason why I was scared of ringing you. I know I talk too much, but by the same token, you talk too little, which is why I have to talk so much and sometimes even repeat old materials so we don't get stuck in an awkward atmosphere.  ... And please...reply your SMS Messages..."

4 years, 2 degrees and many worn out high heels later, I am still "cold", "talking too little" and not replying my SMSs